Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Not every surrogacy journey follows the path a woman pictures when she starts. Some hold a loss before they hold a baby. Some ask her to start over with the couple she has grown to love. And some ask her to let a couple go before the story ever really gets going. Staying in it through all of that takes something most people never have to find in themselves. This is what that looks like from the inside, from a woman who has lived every part of it. Welcome to the Surrogate series. I'm Eloise Drain. Let's get into it.
My guest today is Taylor. She's a wife and a mom of two, a self described boss lady, and when she isn't pregnant for somebody else, she's probably got a crochet project in her hands. She applied to become a surrogate in 2020, carried and delivered a baby for her first couple. And she's now in the early steps of a brand new journey with a couple she and her husband feel more connected to than any they've matched with before. Taylor, thank you so much for joining me.
[00:00:56] Speaker B: Thank you for having me.
[00:00:59] Speaker A: So first, let's talk about pregnancy experience and how was it for you before we kind of jump into surrogacy?
[00:01:07] Speaker B: Yeah. So my experience with both of my pregnancies were very successful.
Both of my kids went up to 40 weeks.
My son was 40 weeks and a day. And then my daughter arrived right on her due date. She wasted zero time, but, yeah, they were both very well. You know, I had my son when I was 23, so I was, I was much younger.
Didn't really have any complications. The pregnancy was smooth.
And then my labor with him was longer. I think I was in labor for about 27 hours. Yeah, and you know, the, yeah, the first time I was using an app and I was having contractions and it was one of those apps where like, you hit it so many times and they're like, go to the hospital. Like, you need to pack your back and go. And so my friend was with me because my husband was at work.
So she took me to the hospital and they laughed at me because they're just like, girl, like, you're not even anywhere close because, you know, I wasn't like hunched over, I wasn't like, it hurt. But I wasn't in, you know, that active labor step yet. And you know, I didn't know.
I had no idea. So they sent me home.
But with my daughter, she, she was rough.
My morning sickness was rough. You know, I didn't really have morning sickness with my son and with Her. It was just. It was rough. My body felt rough.
And I think I was sick up until, like, the middle of my second trimester. And then I had that third trimester morning sickness again.
And then I had a home birth with her, though. And that experience was amazing.
Amazing.
Way better than the hospital.
[00:03:07] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:03:08] Speaker B: Cause I just, you know, I liked being in control of my own environment.
You know, I had a great midwife, and the goal was to have a water birth with her, but she came so fast that I didn't make it into the tub.
Yeah. So I pushed her out on all fours next to the tub in my bathroom.
[00:03:31] Speaker A: Oh, my.
[00:03:31] Speaker B: It was quite the experience.
Yeah.
[00:03:34] Speaker A: Yeah. I can only imagine.
I've never done a home birth because I'm a chicken. And I. As soon as I walk in the door in the hospital, I'm like, epidural. And they're like, we have to check.
I don't want to feel no pain. Just give me the medication.
[00:03:49] Speaker B: Yeah, no, that's fair. I completely understand that.
[00:03:52] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:03:52] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:03:53] Speaker A: So then how did you first hear about surrogacy?
[00:03:58] Speaker B: So it was. I think my kids were. My son was. How old is my son? I think my son was three, and my daughter was, like, one. One and a half.
And it was the weirdest thing because I wanted to be pregnant again, but I didn't necessarily want to have another baby.
And so I was just trying to. I was, like, talking with my husband, and I'm like, I don't know if I want another baby. Like, I feel like she was good. We have a boy, we have a girl, but I want to be pregnant. Like, I don't know. It. I had, like, pregnancy fever. It was so weird.
And then one day, I thought about it to myself, and I was just like, maybe I can be a surrogate for someone.
Like, just a general thought. Like, I didn't think that that's something I would actually end up doing at first, but I couldn't shake that feeling for some reason. I was just like, wow.
Well, let me just, like, look into it and let me see what I can find. And my biggest thing was I wanted to know if there were any agencies that were founded by black women.
And so that's what I typed into Google. And funny enough, family Inceptions was the first thing to pop up.
And I don't know if it's because it's the only one or what, but, you know, you all have me hooked, like, immediately.
Immediately.
And, you know, I did the questionnaire that's on the site and everything Checked out. You know, I was. I was younger than.
Not that I'm old or anything like that, but just, you know, I think I was. I was 27 when I first looked into it. I had healthy pregnancies, healthy deliveries.
I definitely, you know, am done having children of my own.
You know, had a good working job.
So it all kind of checked out. And the next thing I knew, I received an email from one of the staff members, and I was like, oh, snap. Y' all are fast.
And then, you know, we did the paperwork and, you know, the rest of everything so that I can be certified and sending all of my records in and all of that. But to backtrack a little bit, when I thought about doing surrogacy and I actually looked into, you know, you all family inceptions, and I spoke to my husband about it, I was a little nervous because I didn't know how he would take it, because when people hear surrogacy, I think they just think, like, oh, like, do you have to do things, like, with the husband or, you know, they don't know.
And I was just like, no, like, that's not how that works at all. That's at all. At all. Like, that's not how that works at all.
And I just let him know, you know, it's all. It's all medical. It's essentially, it's ivf, really.
And so I just let him know that I think this is something that would be really cool, and. And if you're okay with it, then I would like to pursue it, because, you know, I. My husband's my biggest support system, so obviously, I would need him in my corner or otherwise I wouldn't feel comfortable going completely through with it.
And once he looked into it himself, he was like, oh, yeah, like, that's cool. Because my other biggest thing was, you know, I knew a lot of people personally who dealt with infertility, and if I could help families, you know, bring a baby into their lives, and, you know, I would like to do that. I like being pregnant. I'm weird. I know not everybody likes being pregnant, but I do.
So, yeah, that was kind of my.
My reasoning for it and my call to it. And so he was on board and has been phenomenal ever since. So I always say he's my rock in this whole experience and everything that I've had to go through being a surrogate. If I didn't have him, I wouldn't be able to do any of it.
[00:08:02] Speaker A: Yeah. And I don't think that people realize how important A support system is in this whole process, like truly, truly how important it is to have some.
[00:08:12] Speaker B: Yeah, it really is. Otherwise it'd be so lonely if you didn't.
[00:08:16] Speaker A: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So what about the rest of your family?
[00:08:22] Speaker B: So the rest of my family, everyone was pretty on board, like pretty cool with it.
My parents were kind of like, you want to do what?
Like what, what do you mean?
[00:08:39] Speaker A: Sounds,
[00:08:42] Speaker B: you know, like they're, they're old school. So, like, I get their concerns because they also weren't really truly aware, so they were just cautious. They wanted to make sure, you know, that I was okay, you know, with all the different procedures and, you know, the what ifs that could happen are scary.
So as a parent, I can understand the concern and where they're coming from.
My mom was in the delivery room from my first journey, you know, when I gave birth to that baby. And that I think was an eye opening experience for her because she got to see the, you know, the baby and the intended father unite together.
And that was really beautiful. And she was in tears. She was just like, wow, that's a really, like, that's a really cool thing that you did.
So I think it just takes, you know, the education and seeing it for yourself to truly understand, like, how beautiful surrogacy can be.
[00:09:42] Speaker A: Yeah. And I don't think that people really realize just how uneducated people still are about surrogacy. Even though, yeah, it's common, it's mainstream now, all of the things. But there is still such miscommunication, misinformation, miss all the things, Right. That could be out there about surrogacy that you would be amazed at how many people actually don't know about it or how it works.
[00:10:11] Speaker B: Yeah, no, I, I definitely agree with that.
Definitely. Especially when it comes to compensation. Oh.
[00:10:18] Speaker A: Oh, gosh. Yeah. And we're going to talk about the compensation in a, in a minute.
But how did your job handle it too?
[00:10:25] Speaker B: Oh, my job was great. Like, they, they, every person that I would speak to at work saying what I was doing, they were just in awe. Like, wow, like, that's, that's such a nice thing that you're doing.
And you know, a lot of companies now include like, surrogacy in their benefits as far as, like the support for it.
But yeah, I never had issues with my job at all. Like, everyone was always understanding when I had to do appointments, when I had to set time aside to do the transfer.
I had a lot of support with my, with my work.
[00:11:04] Speaker A: Well, and it's not a lot of companies. You're actually in the state where yours is different, and they tend to be more favorable. But majority of states, it is definitely not friendly. It's unfortunate, though, because there's so many people who need to, you know, work with the surrogate in order to be able to have a child. But if anything, there's more people and more naysayers now trying to ban surrogacy than you think of, you know, trying to expand it and open it and put in more regulations to keep it safe.
So instead of doing that, you want to go the opposite direction. It's just like. That doesn't even make any sense.
[00:11:45] Speaker B: Yeah, that's true. Especially in this climate that we're in currently.
[00:11:49] Speaker A: Right?
100%.
So let's specifically talk about your journeys, because you. You've gone on several of them with different, you know, outcomes.
So let's talk about your first journey and kind of like, what that journey was like for you.
[00:12:11] Speaker B: Yeah, with my first journey, I think my first journey was great to kind of like, lay it out. You know, I had intended parents that were international with that first journey. So a lot of different things, like receiving blood work and all of that took a little bit longer just because of the difference in countries and time zones and. And all of that. But ultimately, it was a really good journey that did have some setbacks. You know, we went through medical screening, legal meds, and transfer. And the first transfer, unfortunately, the pregnancy wasn't viable.
And that was my first experience dealing with having, you know, a miscarriage. I had never had one before, and so I didn't really know what to expect. And so I was really thrown off how.
Not only uncomfortable, but painful.
And then I was just.
It really hit me really hard when that happened because I was supposed to be the solution for my couple to have a baby. And I took it hard. And I was like, what did I do wrong?
And then I know. I know now, of course, that there's nothing that I did wrong. No one did anything wrong.
But I. I was gutted. I was so upset. And, you know, the intended mother, she called me and she was just like, you know, I've been here before. I understand.
Because she also knew that I had never have gone through that before. So her support was really nice. And I even felt bad about that because I was just like this. You know, this.
You're dealing with the loss as well, and, you know, you're here comforting me. But I think that's definitely the beauty of the relationship between surrogate and intended parents.
Um, so, yeah. And then I said, you know, this sucks, but I am still committed and I'm willing to move forward if you all are.
And they were. So we did it all over again. And the second transfer was successful, and that whole pregnancy was successful. It was really good.
That baby was big, though.
It was a healthy baby. I remember.
[00:14:45] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:14:45] Speaker B: Because, you know, I'm. I'm very, like, I'm short and petite, and so my belly was, like, all the way out here.
But still a very successful delivery and beautiful baby.
They were very, very happy, and I was happy that I was able to, you know, help them with that.
[00:15:06] Speaker A: Yeah. And I remember because he was the intended father who had to. Who could come to pick up the baby and went to sleep at the hotel and was knocked out.
[00:15:21] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:15:23] Speaker A: And wasn't answering the phone call. Like, the baby is coming.
[00:15:28] Speaker B: You have to call her off to the. At all.
[00:15:31] Speaker A: And I think somebody had to go and knock on the door.
[00:15:34] Speaker B: Yes, yes. So, yeah, they. They were banging on the door, and they were able to get him up, and he came running, and he came running into the room asking if it's okay first, obviously, because I. At. By that point, the contractions were so strong. I was like.
It was. It was intense. So you had to give it a moment for me to be like, let me get myself together first.
And then obviously, you know, he came into the room and, you know, he greeted me and, you know, it was. He made it. He made it.
[00:16:09] Speaker A: So. Yeah.
[00:16:10] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:16:10] Speaker A: Yeah. That's definitely one to put down on the books of that one. That particular experience, for sure.
[00:16:16] Speaker B: Yes.
Yes. It's quite something.
[00:16:19] Speaker A: Yeah. And I mean, your intended parents were international.
I mean, how was that relationship for you, being that they were long distance? I mean, they did speak, you know, well, English and all of that, so there wasn't, like a language barrier. But what. What was that like, though?
[00:16:39] Speaker B: Um, it was pretty good, I think, you know, we were very good at keeping communication, you know, with WhatsApp. Like, we had calls, I think, a couple times a week, one to two times a week, we would have, you know, calls of just catching up. And, you know, the intended mother, you know, she always liked to pray over the baby. So we did that.
And I think, you know, while there was a huge time difference. Oh, not. I think it was only maybe six to eight hours. It wasn't terrible.
So we were still able to keep in good communication with each other.
[00:17:18] Speaker A: Yeah.
So now you finished that journey. How was the recovery? How did you feel after the Fact,
[00:17:27] Speaker B: recovery, it was the best postpartum experience I had ever had because, you know, there's not a baby to like to tend to. You know, like, I didn't have to wake up in the middle of the night. I didn't have to wake up to feed or anything like that.
You know, I was able to actually just relax and take my time to heal. I got to use the full maternity leave time. So even though I was a surrogate, I was still able to go on leave for that whole time. And I didn't have to cut it short, you know, because I didn't have a baby, which I really appreciated. Um, but yeah, recovery was nice and smooth. I think I, like, bled for longer than normal or not the normal, but then my past pregnancies. So that was interesting. But in more just like an. In an annoyance level, just like, you know, hurry up. But overall, I recovered very, very well. You know, my friends and family, they were really supportive as well.
My boss sent me like an instacart box full of like four bottles of wine.
He was like, what's your favorite wine?
And the next thing I knew, like, this big crate box came and I was like, oh, wow, okay, this is great.
Yeah, I. I recovered very well.
[00:18:55] Speaker A: So did you have, like, any regrets of depression or, you know, baby blues or anything like that?
[00:19:05] Speaker B: I had, like, no regrets. Definitely not that. But I think for me, I did feel a little somber because it felt like, well, that, that's it, you know, like there was always this constant communication with like the intended parents. And then, you know, my journey manager, and then it kind of just. It slowed and it stopped. And I think I was getting sad at the thought of this journey was. That was like a two year journey and it's over now.
And I was just like, okay, well, now what do I do?
So I think I had mainly like that I had a little bit of sadness that.
But on a mental level, I think I was okay.
I had some irritability, like, irritability. But then I'm like, oh, yeah, I'm still postpartum because sometimes I would be like, why am I feeling so aggravated? Or why am I so annoyed at everything? And it had been like two months later and I'm like, oh, yeah, I forgot. I'm still technically, you know, going through postpartum. So I think that's easy to forget when you don't have the reminder of a newborn having to take care of.
Yeah, you still have to be easy on yourself mentally and physically. I couldn't just go out and, you know, go to the club and start dancing and stuff. I still. Yeah, I had to be slow about, you know, my movements and all of that.
[00:20:41] Speaker A: Yeah, how. I mean, I know your kids were younger at that time. How were they like? You know, obviously, you're getting this big old belly and all of that, and things are changing. Did they, you know, have any indication of what was happening?
[00:20:58] Speaker B: Yeah, they did.
They were amazing.
Like, they handled all of it way better than I thought that they would. But I think, you know, my husband and I, we were just very good at saying, you know, we're helping a family, you know, have a baby.
And so I was always just like, I'm just like an extreme babysitter.
So I'm just taking care of this baby for this beautiful family. And then when the baby leaves, they go off with their parents and they really understood that concept. I was actually kind of shocked, you know, with how young they were. I didn't think if I didn't. I didn't know how they would feel about it. But, yeah, like, they. When. As I was getting closer, I was like, okay, any day now, you know, the baby is going to go off to their family. Like, how do you feel about it? And they're like, oh, we're fine. I'm fine.
So they were. And so when the belly was gone and I came back from the hospital, they were like, oh, did the baby go with their family? And I was like, yep, yep. They're with. He's with his parents now. And they're like, okay,
[00:22:11] Speaker A: yeah, so long as he's not coming here, it's okay.
[00:22:17] Speaker B: Yeah. So they were great. They were great about it.
[00:22:20] Speaker A: Yeah.
So.
So you recovered and then you decided to do it again?
[00:22:27] Speaker B: I did. I did. I think it was about.
I mean, about a year had gone by, and, you know, I was thinking about it, and then, you know, I got approached about another couple, and I was like, okay. Yeah, like, I'm. I feel good. You know, I had a nice little break. I went on a cruise.
You know, I got to do my thing, and now I'm ready to get it going again. And we moved on to journey number two.
[00:22:57] Speaker A: So what was that like?
[00:22:59] Speaker B: So I'm still in it.
[00:23:05] Speaker A: The.
[00:23:05] Speaker B: I like to say I'm in my second act of my second journey, just because the first part is a little sad because, you know, we matched with our couple.
We hit it off great.
You know, they had done surrogacy before as well, so I was like, oh, this is perfect. Like, I'm on My second journey. You're on your second journey. It's fantastic.
You know, we went through medical, legal meds, and all of that was going really well and moving pretty quickly.
I was like, you know, I got my meds and then looking at the schedule and transfer, I think was like two weeks or so after I got the list and my meds and everything. And I was like, oh, snap. Like, something really fast.
And all of that was great.
Did the transfer and my bladder was too full. Like, I had to tell them. I had to be like, you guys have to stop. I'm going to pee on you. You have to stop.
[00:24:04] Speaker A: I don't think people realize that when you have a transfer, you have to have a full bladder.
[00:24:09] Speaker B: You have to have a full bladder. And I overdid it. And in fact, it was twofold that they couldn't see, like, the where they needed to see. And so I released a little and then it was fine. So we did that. But unfortunately, that transfer didn't take at all.
Like, the pregnancy tests were negative. You know, my beta results were really, really low.
The pregnancy test was negative. And, you know, my beta results were really, really low.
It was confirmed immediately that the transfer just didn't work. And that was also hard. Even though I had been through this before with the transfer not working or, you know, not taking, I still take it hard because, you know, it's. It's. It is a loss.
You know, it. This was a baby that, you know, was going to be loved and baby that was wanted.
And so it's always really sad when, you know, it doesn't. The outcome is not what we want it to be.
So it's sad because I had to move on and match with a different couple after that. Unfortunately, you know, they couldn't move forward.
And so that's, you know, I won't. That's their story to tell. I won't get into that. But it was just. I felt really sad for them because, you know, I wanted. I wanted us to do. I wanted us to go again. You know, I could just tell that they really wanted. They really wanted this. So unfortunately, we had to move on and get rematched.
And we did get rematched. I always feel bad, like, transitioning from that into the new couple because it's such a sad, happy. It's like bittersweet.
But we did get matched with a new couple, and I adore them.
I really, really like them.
You know, they're in the same age group as my husband and I.
There's a lot of similarities. Between the four of us.
And I don't think.
And this isn't. This isn't like, a dig at anybody else, but it was just a different kind of clique that we had during our match call to the point where, like, we were, like, going over time.
And, you know, they are really big on wanting to have, like, a lifelong relationship with us. And that was new for me because I'm like, ooh, okay, great. I. You know, I think. I think it would be great, and I would love that. I'm always big on, you know, whatever you want. Whatever the intended parents want, I'm okay with.
But to hear, you know, what they want, they. You know, they want lifelong relationship. They want us to visit them and for them to visit us and the kids. And I'm like, oh, wow. Like, that sounds really, really nice. And we talk regularly.
It's like a friendship is building, and it's a different relationship than what I have had in the past.
And I just. I really. I'm really. I really am enjoying this couple, and I'm just excited for them, and I'm excited to, you know, be a part of their journey as well. So, currently, I do my medical screening next week, and then we're gonna get the show on the road. So I'm super excited.
[00:27:43] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:27:43] Speaker B: Yes. Crossing all fingers and toes.
[00:27:46] Speaker A: Yes, for sure. You've worked with three different families, and, you know, like, this last one, you're saying it just definitely feels different.
But when you started the process, did you come in with an intention of, this is the kind of family I'm looking for. This is what I'm looking. This is what want. This is what I don't want. This is what I'll accept, you know, or was there anything like that the first time?
[00:28:16] Speaker B: No. So the first time, I think it took me going through the other couples to kind of realize what I want now.
Like, the first time, I really. I didn't really have a preference. I didn't have a preference for age or, you know, gender or race or, you know, anything like that. I have a preference in those things.
And the only thing that changed was age.
I think I realized that I wanted a couple that was closer in age to me just so that there we can relate on things more, and it can feel more like a relationship, a friendship, more than.
More than. So formal, you know? Nothing wrong with that. But I think I just realized something that may have been missing with the others.
And I hope this isn't, like.
I'm not trying to, like, put anyone down. No, I hope it's not coming off that way.
Okay, I know, but I think, like, there was just. There was a connection piece that was just missing.
And I think it was because, you know, the couples that I had in the past were just older, so there wasn't much. There wasn't much relatability there where this couple, they're like my friends. I have friends that have similar personalities to them.
So it's just different. Like, I don't know, like, we're close in age, so it's just easier, you know, to get along. And we can talk about more than just, you know, surrogacy stuff, but we can talk about, you know, like, we were talking about the World cup, like that chat was going off. So.
So there's just. It's just different. Yeah, it's just different.
[00:30:14] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. No, for sure.
Well, you know, and the thing about it, too, is, though, for a lot of people that will work with the surrogate, often they are. They tend to be older than the surrogate herself. No, clearly.
I mean, yes, you. You happen to have somebody that's in the. In the same age range, which is actually not as common.
[00:30:37] Speaker B: Oh, I believe it.
[00:30:39] Speaker A: Yeah, it's not as common. I mean, some people just know from the beginning that, you know, this is the route that we're going to have to go early on. And so, you know, I'm not even going to put my body through all of the other stuff, which is going to kind of go this route.
[00:30:52] Speaker B: So.
[00:30:53] Speaker A: But it is good, though, to be able to have different perspectives, because, you know, I think when you first get into surrogacy, you're one. You're so excited to, like, even be accepted because a lot of people think, like, really, they're gonna. They. They're gonna want to work with me, they're gonna accept me. And, you know, and then it's, you know, you finally get there and you're learning all the different pieces and all the moving parts of surrogacy. And I think for a lot of people, that's what they don't understand.
It's not just you come in, you take meds, you get pregnant, you deliver.
There's ebbs and flows and, you know, in and out of the whole journey. And no two journeys are alike. I mean, you've worked with three different families. They're completely different. In the experiences you've had with all three is completely different.
[00:31:50] Speaker B: Yes, Very, very different.
[00:31:53] Speaker A: So, you know, it's almost sometimes where, especially with surrogacy, like, you. You have to Allow it to evolve. And you have to be open to.
Kind of open to receiving what God or people will call the universe or whatever, however it is supposed to be for you. Because if you think about it, you just. You had your two pregnancies yourself, and you. Your own two pregnancies were very completely. Were very different.
[00:32:22] Speaker B: They were.
Yeah.
[00:32:25] Speaker A: So how is it that, you know, and we're all our own individual person, everybody is unique, and so it's impossible for something to be exactly the same.
[00:32:36] Speaker B: Yes.
No, I 100% agree with that.
[00:32:40] Speaker A: Let's go back real quick and talk about you even selecting your intended parents. And I don't know if you remember how that process was in, you know, getting their profile and saying, yes, this is the family that I want to work with. Did you see more than one profile? Was it just one? Do you remember?
[00:33:02] Speaker B: Yeah. Do you mean like this? With this current. When I had to pick a new
[00:33:06] Speaker A: couple of them for all three of them.
[00:33:08] Speaker B: Over all three of them. So for the first. For the first one, I saw their profile.
The first two, I saw their profile, and I didn't look at any others because, you know, I. I get removed by their stories and everything that they've gone through. When they talk about how many times that they've tried and how many losses that they've had and, you know, the health conditions that they have which is preventing them from having another baby, I'm just like, oh, my gosh. Yeah. Like, of course I would love to work with, you know, this family, you know, both.
[00:33:48] Speaker A: The.
[00:33:49] Speaker B: The first two, ten parents that I worked with, you know, they had another child, and so they would be adding on, and I'm like, oh, yeah, I would love to do that. I'd love to, you know, help their families, you know, get another sibling for their, you know, their child. And so with those two, it was kind of like they were recommended. I saw their profile, and I was like, oh, yeah, like, let's do it. Let's do it.
With the third, I actually saw a different profile first before theirs.
And the first profile that I saw for the third couple, their story was very, like, devastating.
And I said, I need them.
I want to help them, you know, but unfortunately, because I had just had the loss from the second couple, it was the same clinic. They wouldn't take me.
And so we had to choose a different clinic.
And then that's when I found my current couple.
And, you know, I read their story, and I think for me, because they are my age, which is fairly young, you know, they're in their 30s and they're having infertility issues, which is very common. Like, I've, you know, have, I have friends in their 30s that are, you know, that have infertility issues as well. And I think that's why I was like, wow. Yeah, Yeah.
I definitely, definitely want to help them. They're beautiful, beautiful, beautiful couple. And I just get, you know, I just get really moved with every story that I read. So.
Yeah.
[00:35:41] Speaker A: The biggest misconception is that when somebody becomes a surrogate, she's only doing it for the money.
She only cares about the money. And that's why she is putting her body through all the things that you put your body through to become a surrogate for. For something that when you truly break it all the way down for all that you have to do and nine months of pregnancy and delivery, it really isn't even full minimum wage.
[00:36:11] Speaker B: Right, right.
[00:36:12] Speaker A: So do you want to talk about that?
[00:36:14] Speaker B: I would love to.
That's the biggest thing for me that I always drive home is that I'm not doing surrogacy for the money.
That doesn't mean that it's not beneficial. Like, the money absolutely is beneficial, you know, for me and my family. And it can definitely help change your life in different ways and help you reach certain goals that you want. But like you said, we go through so much and we put our body through so much, and it's not a get rich quick scheme. Like, it's, it's not that. And I feel like people, because I've, I've, I have talked about surrogacy with people and they ask me, you know, oh, well, like, how much are you getting? And like, depending on who I'm talking to, I will tell them if I, if you're a stranger, I'm not really going to do that because that just seems kind of like it's none of your business. Get out of my bank account. Like, like, what are you doing?
[00:37:16] Speaker A: Right.
[00:37:18] Speaker B: Like, so.
But when they hear it, they're like, oh, well, maybe I should do that. And I go, no, no, no, no. You, you, you actually, no, you shouldn't. Like, if that's what you really think, if that's, if that's all that you think about when you think of seriously is, oh, wow, I get this huge amount of money.
Let me do that. Then you're, you're in for a lot. Because there's just a lot that goes into it to where it's just not for the week. It's not for the week.
I truly do feel called to this because, you know, you. We put our bodies through a lot, and it's a lot of. There's, there's loss, there's. There's discomfort. There's moments of just like.
But at the same time, I still enjoy it. I still love it.
I think two things can be true.
But to say that you're only doing it for the money, I feel is really disrespectful because, I don't know, there's just so much more to it than money.
You're helping people build their families, and I think that should be your why. I mean, that's my why to do it. Like, I see so many people go through infertility struggles and how hard it is, and they just want a baby at the end of the day.
And for a lot of people, for a lot of intended parents, it's. Surrogacy is their last resort.
And, you know, I, I. So I think it's an honor to be someone's surrogate because I know the journey that they've had to go through to even get to this point.
So to say, oh, you're doing it for the money, girl.
No,
[00:39:13] Speaker A: no.
[00:39:15] Speaker B: You know, like I said, it's a plus. But it's, it's not my why for doing it.
[00:39:21] Speaker A: Yeah.
So what about, you know, obviously there's this big push right now for some states that want to ban surrogacy, restrict surrogacy, say that women who become surrogates are being taken advantage of. You're being explo. You're uneducated, you're poor, and that's why you're choosing to be, Be a surrogate. You're. You're being coerced into being a surrogate.
[00:39:53] Speaker B: I think that's just such an uneducated take. And it's really annoying to me that, you know, certain states are doing that because they also just have no idea about surrogacy, and they don't care. They don't care to do the research for it either. And they're men.
Why do you even have a say on this topic at all? And that's like a whole other, like, discussion in itself.
We'll be here all day.
But I just, I don't, I just don't understand that take. It's so tired because it's just not that, like, women who are surrogates are very educated, very successful.
No one's being, no one's being used or abused or extorted or all of the things. No one's. We're doing this because we want to.
Like, we have. It's from our own free will. Like, no one's forcing us to do it. Nobody has to do it.
But we're doing it because we want to.
I just wish that they would just use Google.
[00:41:10] Speaker A: Well, I think, though, a lot of them that make these decisions is because, you know, they see what me. Only the bad stuff that media wants to portray, and they only want to pick up the bad stories that media wants to portray with.
When there is thousands of surrogacy pregnancies that happen all the time that are amazing, that end up just, you know, within a beautiful experience, but nobody wants to talk about those things.
[00:41:40] Speaker B: Right. Yeah, no, I. I definitely agree with that.
[00:41:44] Speaker A: Yeah, they only want to talk about the. The negative side because, you know, that's what sells. That's what, you know, gets people to click, is the bad side of the stories, not. Not the good ones and not the heartfelt, actually will move you into feeling good because somebody else did something beneficial for somebody.
[00:42:09] Speaker B: Yeah. And I think that's, like, a huge reason why I like to share my journey, you know, on social media, it's for a number of reasons, but the main one is that this is what it's like. I mean, yeah, there's ups and downs. There's ups and downs in any journey for anything. But.
Yeah. Oh, go ahead.
[00:42:32] Speaker A: No, I was saying life. It's up and down in life.
[00:42:35] Speaker B: Oh, yeah, exactly. Exactly.
Yeah, exactly that. So, you know, I want to share my journey, you know, because of that. I also want to share my journey because, you know, I don't see a lot of black surrogates, but I know are out there. And that's another reason why I share my journey. Just so that black women who want to become a surrogate, I feel like it can feel kind of scary because when you see a surrogate, it's mainly.
It's a lot of white women, but there are actually a lot of black surrogates out there. And so that's another reason why I also like to share my journey. But, yeah, I just. I like to show not only the challenging and the bad, but also the good and the beauty of surrogate surrogacy through social media.
Mm.
[00:43:22] Speaker A: So let's actually talk about that. Obviously, both black women. I mean, when I got into this space, 2006, 2007, especially, you know, as a black woman, one surrogacy wasn't really a thing even then. But then as a black woman, saying I wanted to be a surrogate was even More uncommon.
I apply to several agencies.
Nobody ever called me back.
And you know, and you hear a lot, especially again in the media. And then just across that, you know, either black women don't become surrogates or black women are not treated well when they choose to become surrogates. I mean, there's just a whole plethora of different things that you can hear out in the atmosphere.
And you mentioned, you know, when you were looking for an agency, you put in, you know, a black owned agency. Why was that? And then what is your take on being a black woman and being a surrogate?
[00:44:32] Speaker B: Yeah, I wanted to find a black owned agency just because I just wanted to know one, if it even existed. Because I also feel like you're, you can be very vulnerable being a surrogate as well.
Like with the procedures that we go through, you know, everything that we have to do. And I knew that if I found a black owned agency that I would be safe. Not to be dramatic, but it's true because I don't know, you know, we walk, we walk through the world and it's not always safe for us. It's never safe for us usually.
And so I just knew that I would be in good hands if I found a black owned agency. And I've just, I can already say that I, I am in good hands. You know, being a part of this agency, you guys are phenomenal. I know that whatever I am going through in my surrogacy journey and even in life, that, you know, you guys got me and you've shown that in more ways than one.
And so, yeah, that's exactly what I feel. You know, with family, inceptions is exactly what I, what I was wanting. I mean, I probably could have gotten that through other agencies, but something as important and as big as surrogacy, I just wanted to be in good hands. So that was really just my, my reasoning for trying to find a black owned agency. You know, being a black surrogate, I personally feel really like empowered.
Like I know there's all of those things out there which, you know, they are true. Especially when it comes to, you know, black women and receiving health care and medical care is very scary.
And I can understand that. You know, putting yourself to be a surrogate can be very scary because of all of those things, you know, that are out there about black women. But I also think that's why I wanted to do it. Not only did I feel called to it, but my experience, and I can only speak on my experience, everyone is different, especially with where you Live.
And where I live, for the most part, is pretty progressive, for the most part.
And so I've been fortunate to have had. You know, I have an amazing OB who I've been with since my daughter, and he's very pro surrogacy. Like, he loves being a part of the journey.
So having a great ob, I think, is incredibly helpful in making sure that you are taken care of when it comes to, you know, medical care.
But, yeah, I don't know that, honestly, I just.
That's why I'm doing what I'm doing, to help families, but also to show that, yes, I'm a black woman in America who was a surrogate and a very, very scary time, but you can still have good experiences. I think the biggest thing is just making sure you have the right team behind you to protect you.
[00:48:01] Speaker A: Yeah. Truly.
Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Definitely.
So for a woman who is considering surrogacy, you meet her on the street for the first time, and you start having a conversation and you're pregnant, and she's, you know, starts off that conversation about you being a surrogate, what would you tell her? What would you share with her?
[00:48:21] Speaker B: I, you know, I would tell her. And usually what I always say is that it is the most challenging yet most rewarding experience I think you'll ever have.
It's a lot.
It's not for the week, but if you feel called to it, then, you know, then take the steps, do take the questionnaire. See, that's really where to start to see if you even qualify, like, if you've had healthy pregnancies, if you. Like, if you enjoy being pregnant even through, you know, the challenging days, if you. Overall, if you enjoy being pregnant and, you know, you want to take the leap, but you're afraid.
I can understand the fear because it's. It's a lot. There's a lot that goes into it.
But I think following that feeling could be the greatest thing that you ever do, because that's how I feel.
I. I felt so called to it. I was just like, well, let me just.
Let me just see. And the next thing I knew, I was just doing it and going through with it. And even when you get to the part with the meds, because that's the scary part, because that's. I almost, you know, I almost backed out when I had my consultation the first time because it was a little. It was a little daunting. I was just like, what?
Like, I have to do what? And, you know, when you hear all of the possibilities of the Procedures that you might have to have if there's complications. It is scary, but I think if you feel called to it, then just give it a try. Talk to someone from an agency and, you know, learn more about it, do more research, educate yourself more.
And.
Yeah, and I think building a connection with someone who is a surrogate as well is very helpful. Like our family friend who is currently a surrogate with you all. I. We were talking about it at, I think, a birthday party, and she was just like, yeah, I really want to do it. I think I really want to do it. And I was like, do it.
You know what? You know, you never know what could happen. Like, you know, do the questionnaire, fill it out and then see what happens. And now, you know, she just had her transfer and it seems to have been successful so far. So, yeah, I love. I love talking about it and I love encouraging people to do it because I know it's scary, but when you talk to someone who's been through it before, you know, like me, you know, I. I'm always there to be a support for anybody who needs it.
[00:51:13] Speaker A: Yeah. What about the misconceptions, though, of surrogacy that people assume.
What do you think those are?
[00:51:26] Speaker B: I think.
Do you mean like we were talking about earlier, like, you only do it for the money or do it for
[00:51:34] Speaker A: the money or, you know, like we had said earlier and people have. Did have asked this question. Oh, my God. You had to.
I remember I was. Oh, yes, I was in.
I was somewhere. Where was I? I was at a seminar or I was something. It was like a group of women. And of course I was pregnant.
And, you know, and I mentioned that I was a surrogate. And I remember one lady, she was
[00:52:03] Speaker B: like, oh, my God, girl, your husband let you sleep with another man.
[00:52:06] Speaker A: I was like, no.
[00:52:07] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:52:07] Speaker A: No, that's. That's not how this works.
[00:52:10] Speaker B: No.
[00:52:11] Speaker A: At all.
[00:52:12] Speaker B: Yes, yes, I have. I've heard it all. I have heard, oh, my gosh, like, I could never give the baby up. I don't think I could do it. And every time. Every time I hear that, I always say, well, it's. It's different. It's, you know, it's like what you were. It's like what you were saying earlier. Like, it's different.
Like, you go into surrogacy knowing that this is not going to be your baby, and it's just a different feeling that you have. Like, you don't even have that same connection like you would if you were pregnant with your own baby. It's it's completely different. That's why I always just say I'm an extreme babysitter. Like, I'm just babysitting someone's child, and that's all it is. Like, I never felt that attachment feeling. Even when the baby moves, I'd just be like, oh, hey.
Like, hey, bud.
But, like, it's not a thing where I am like, oh, no. Like, I'm afraid to give the baby away. And I. I don't feel that at all.
It's frustrating when, like, you say that and people keep saying it or they just say certain comments like, you know, like, are you going to be sad when you give the baby up? Like, I could never give my baby up. And it's like, it's not my baby.
That's. That's not.
That's not what this is. And I think when you go in, when you go into it, knowing that your pers. Your thought process will change.
[00:53:45] Speaker A: Yes. For sure.
[00:53:47] Speaker B: And they just don't know that.
[00:53:49] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. No, 100%.
Well, you have mentioned that you, you know, share on social media. Do you want to share where on social media if. In case anybody wants to follow you?
[00:54:02] Speaker B: Yes.
So my handle is Hot Mess Mommy.
It is spelled a very unique way. It is H O T M E S M M O M. Can you put. You'll put it on the screen?
[00:54:21] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, we'll put it on.
You'll put it on screen.
[00:54:25] Speaker B: I did this to myself. It's fine. But I am Hot Mess Mommy on Instagram and on TikTok, and I'm going to start uploading lots and lots of stuff very soon.
[00:54:37] Speaker A: Okay. Well, Taylor, I thank you so much for joining me and sharing your experience.
[00:54:43] Speaker B: Yes, thank you so much for having me. This was amazing. This is my first time ever doing a podcast, so I hope I did well.
[00:54:49] Speaker A: Oh, yes, perfect. Perfect. And I told you, I mean, you know, when you're having a conversation about something that you enjoy, the time goes by fast.
[00:54:58] Speaker B: It does, yeah, it does. I had such a great time speaking with you and actually, it's just this is our first time, like, speaking, so I've admired you from afar and I think, you know, what you're doing is incredible and I'm just really, really, really happy to be, you know, a part of it.
[00:55:19] Speaker A: Well, thank you. I really appreciate it. And yes, so definitely go follow her on her socials because you'll see a whole journey ev evolving during this time.
[00:55:32] Speaker B: Yes, yes, he will.
[00:55:35] Speaker A: Hopefully. All good things. So positive vibes. Yes.
[00:55:39] Speaker B: Fingers crossed. Fingers crossed.
[00:55:41] Speaker A: Exactly. Thank you. I appreciate it.
[00:55:45] Speaker B: Thank you.
[00:55:45] Speaker A: Eloise, thanks so much for listening to Fertility Cafe. If you've enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe so you never miss an interview. Leave us a review and connect. Connect with us on socials. We're fertilitycafe. You can also watch the full video version of today's conversation over on our YouTube channel. Until next time, remember, love has no limits. Neither should parenthood.
