Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Becoming a parent through surrogacy is one
[00:00:02] Speaker B: of the most rewarding journeys you can take, but it's also one that asks a lot of you. Today we're giving you the full picture
[00:00:09] Speaker A: how the process works, what it actually
[00:00:11] Speaker B: takes, and what you'll want to have in place so you can walk into this feeling informed and confident. Welcome to the Fertility Cafe, where we explore the beautiful complexity of modern family building.
I'm your host, Eloise Drain, and this
[00:00:26] Speaker A: is a space for honest conversations about
[00:00:29] Speaker B: surrogacy, egg donation and the journ to parenthood. With expert insights and real stories, we're here to guide you through the medical, legal and emotional aspects of third party family building.
We believe that love has no limits and neither should parenthood.
Welcome back to Fertility Cafe. I'm your host, Eloise Drain. If you're considering surrogacy, there's a good chance you've got a lot of questions and maybe not enough answers yet. That's exactly what today is for. We're going to walk through how the surrogacy process works, what the timeline and the financial commitment actually looks like, and what you'll want to think through before you get started, so that when you're ready, you're truly ready. And the person I brought on to
[00:01:20] Speaker A: do that is Jennifer Silva.
[00:01:22] Speaker B: Jen is our family support advisor. She's the first person intended parents talk to when they're exploring surrogacy and she walks them through every stage of the journey. Jen, thanks for joining me.
[00:01:34] Speaker C: Thank you for having me.
[00:01:35] Speaker A: Let's start with the big picture. When someone decides they want to pursue surrogacy, what are the major stages they're going to move through? From that first phone call to bringing a baby home?
[00:01:48] Speaker C: I think of it sort of in phases. There definitely is that sort of pre phase where you're working with a fertility clinic, creating embryos and that process. And then when you get to us, steps come in where you're going to be going through a consultation, choosing an agency, going through the matching phase and onboarding with them. Then definitely education should be happening during that whole period too as well. Basically, once you do match, that's really when I feel like the true phases come in because there's a lot of more clarity as far as the education and going through us. We definitely are going to educate you on each step and be there with you. But when you get to the point of matching, you have steps there, so you match, you have medical clearance, legal clearance also happening after that. Then going into the transfer, medical side of things process and then going through the actual pregnancy and birth at the end, it's in phases. I always refer to your surrogacy roadmap when I always present to the parents, because it does lay out everything really nicely as you're going through the process
[00:02:53] Speaker A: for intended parents who they're still waiting to create embryos, or they haven't started that process yet, should they reach out and start doing the process alongside them, creating their embryos, should they wait? Like, what is the typical timeline?
[00:03:12] Speaker C: Like, you do not need to create embryos before reaching out to us, that's for sure. Because education is going to be key to all this too. Just learning about the process to see if it's even something you consider moving forward with. But it can sort of happen alongside the early stages, the surrogacy process of creating embryos, whether using your own genetics or donor egg. So it can happen alongside each other. You definitely, as you get deeper into the matching, you'd want to know, and so would your surrogate as far as where the embryo degradation is and you would actually want to know that number of embryos you're going to be working with and so on. So that's crucial in the, in the actual matching of itself before you're presented a match. But with the current wait times and things, it makes sense for a lot of people to start the process with us and start onboarding with us and doing things at the same time. So definitely it's possible.
[00:04:02] Speaker A: And one of the things that I also want to mention too is that we do offer the concierge side where, you know, for some people, they're just like, I don't even know where to begin on the embryo creation side and do I need donor eggs or, you know, whatever. We can also help them there, even through our concierge service.
[00:04:21] Speaker C: Yeah, for sure.
[00:04:22] Speaker A: So you talked about timelines, so let's talk about that. Because I think that there's a vast difference across the country with different agencies. Some people say one to three months, some people say it's only going to take 90 days, some people say it's 30 days. Some people, obviously for us it fluctuates. It's different for the timeline, you know, and I think people worry about just the timeline and they don't really think through why are these timelines in place? What is actually happening? When I'm coming in and telling somebody, find me a surrogate, like, what does that actually mean? Because I don't really know if people really understand the entire process and the importance of having really a qualified surrogate,
[00:05:07] Speaker C: I always give everyone a rough estimation with the current wait times. Now as you mentioned, they do fluctuate. I mean a rough, real rough estimate would be about 18 months, 24 months, you know, to get two years to get through the process of it. You also have to consider that surrogacy isn't linear and it involves a lot of variables we can't always control.
So if you do have a failed transfer, things like that, you just want to go into this not setting time to it because there, there's so many variables that have to come into play. And different setbacks can happen at different points in time too as well. But it's a real rough estimate. And also when you do get a match time, you can certainly be matched sooner. It may take little longer considering of what you're looking for too in the surrogate. You know, certain criteria may take slightly longer to find.
[00:05:54] Speaker A: What about the screening of the surrogates and how to go about working with an agency that maybe their process of their screening and bringing somebody on might look different?
Why is that even important?
[00:06:08] Speaker C: I talk to intended parents almost every day that unfortunately work with an agency that never did medical records review or things like that. And just going off of very basic guidelines, introducing them to the intended parents, they're going into the clinic and getting disqualified right away. Either someone didn't look at their medical records thoroughly or they didn't have psych done at that point, didn't look at their support system, speak to their husband or partner. So there's a lot of different, like we keep saying variables in that part of it that get overlooked.
So if you're just matching someone in some basic guidelines when they get to the clinic level, especially with the type of qualifications we're seeing at clinic level these days, unfortunately most are not going to pass through, look good on paper. Doesn't always necessarily mean they're going to be able to move forward too.
[00:06:54] Speaker A: Can you talk about the clinic levels though? Because I don't think some people understand me, understand what we mean by when we're talking about at the clinic level.
[00:07:02] Speaker C: Well, there's definitely guidelines set in place, age, bmi, you know, very basic things that they're going to go off sort of a checklist if you will really when you start diving into the medical records and like we said, psych and things like that, that's where you can see some disqualifications happening when they get to the clinic level. What we do that's going to set us apart from most is we are going to send and go review all the records, send over the psych, send all that information over before we introduce any potential surrogate to a set of intended parents so that therefore their doctor has already seen the records, got a pre approval, if you will.
So that going into medical screening makes the pass rate 98% that they'll be able to move forward at that point. So it's a real crucial step in the process because that's the problem out there is that many intended parents are getting rematched several times over. And it's sort of like a bait and switch, if you will. It's like they're going, you know, saying, hey, look at this great surrogate. And then when they're going in and say, oh, sorry, can't move forward. So they're technically matched, maybe in a short period of time, but that matched. It wasn't able to move forward at that point either.
[00:08:07] Speaker A: And I think people underestimate the importance of doing the due diligence ahead of time. Even though, yes, in your mind you have this timeline that you want to have a child, you want to have a pregnancy, you want to have this baby because you know it fits in this timeline that you've created. But the important piece of it is you want to actually make sure that the person who is getting ready to carry your child is truly ready and prepared to carry your child. And it's not just, oh, she's qualifies because she's checked all the boxes, is she qualified mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, all of the things. Because all of that comes into play when this person is pregnant now for the next nine months with your child and you are having to depend sometimes on a perfect stranger that you just met to do everything that they said that they're going to do to ensure that you have a healthy baby at the end.
And sometimes I think people are so stuck on, well, I want to match and I want to have, make sure that I can, you know, have a baby by X day of the year or whatever as opposed to I want to match with the most perfect person for me. You don't have to necessarily connect because sometimes you just don't. You just don't have that necessarily connection with, but you at least want to have somebody you can communicate with and trust for the next nine months with the most precious thing that you're about to give to them. Timeline is important, but there's so many other factors that are just important or more important than just the timeline.
[00:09:40] Speaker C: Well, patience is one of the biggest requirements for surrogacy, for sure. Being patient in the process and trusting in the professionals that you're working with. We were talking about the requirements. I always tell people, understand what your clinic's requirements are too, because you'll see those red flags right away when you start seeing profiles. If you're working with agencies other than ours that aren't doing their due diligence, you'll see that. You'll notice what that is because you're educated and seeing it right away. It's definitely that education and then just being patient about the process.
So, you know, and understanding. And I always bring it back to when I first started working with you originally, and you had told me that, you know, we look at these women like, if I was going to drop one of my young children off with someone for nine months and want to know that they are going to put them bed on time and feed them and change their diaper and all those things, could I trust this person to be doing that?
[00:10:31] Speaker A: For sure. Do you want to share a little bit about your background and kind of your own personal experience?
[00:10:38] Speaker C: I went through many years of going through infertility. I do have two little daughters now. It was a very, very long journey. My little one just turned six and I was celebrating, and I just turned 51 at the same time. So when you start doing the math, there took very long time. I actually suffered from very, very severe endometriosis, which I was not aware of. So I'm a big advocate on, especially talking to younger women of a certain age and saying, hey, if you're feeling like you're going to wait to get pregnant, you know, really take care of yourself because it's important. And I wish that's something I could have known years ago of how important women's health is and just getting to the right doctor, to the right gynecologist that you're treating and then listening to you, because I always complained about certain things, but nothing was ever addressed. And unfortunately, many of these women diseases like endometriosis, the only way to know if you have it is by getting a laparoscopic surgery. I mean, it just blows my mind that women's health is so in the dark ages at this point. So just be your own advocate one day. You're not having the issues that I went through. And it took so long to create my children. And also I switched IVF clinics three times, you know, during the process, too, just to get through my pregnancies. It was not easy. You really need to be an advocate for Yourself, if something doesn't feel right, trust your body too. What it's telling you. A lot of people, you know, they listen to the doctor. Doctor. But if that's not how you're feeling, you know, if you're feeling bad, you need to speak up and tell them. This doesn't sound right. You know, something else is wrong. Check this, check that. Same thing with surrogacy. Educate yourself. Women's health in general, and I think
[00:12:09] Speaker A: too with surrogacy, I think especially around celebrities, and they make it seem like it's just like, oh, let's just have us work with a surrogate. Let's just. And it's like you need to realize it's not just working with the surrogate. One, you are about to again, trust someone else with the most important person in your life. But two, every time a woman gets pregnant, regardless of whether it's for herself or somebody else, she's putting her life at risk. She's not cattle. The way that society and even TV and sensationalism surrogacy is that it's like, oh, it's no big thing. And it's just the next and the person checking off the list. And here you go, you can have one too. And it's just like, no, that's not actually how this really works.
[00:12:50] Speaker C: Yeah, it's unfortunate what's put out there. Also, I don't like the way that the media portrays surrogates too. They're uneducated.
They, you know, doing this for the wrong reasons.
It's really unfortunate that they don't highlight these women in a better light and say, hey, these women are educated. They're doing this at the goodness of their heart. They're like angels coming down, you know, to help you. And they should be crowned in a sense, at the end of the day and say, this is a.
This woman is a queen for doing this, for sure.
[00:13:21] Speaker A: So let's talk about matching when intended parents come to you and what are the criteria and preferences they'll need to think through? So to find the right surrogate for them, like, walk us through what happens there.
[00:13:36] Speaker C: Well, one of the things definitely you should think through what your values really are coming into this. And you definitely want to start to think about your views on termination and the communication style and location where she's going to live and the type of relationship you're looking for. What type of communication are you looking for? How involved do you want to be in this process, too? It's great to come in with an open mind, but Also be honest about where you're at too, because some people, they're just not honest. And that can really be an issue later on with the communication and things. Because suffering from infertility myself, you know, certain things can trigger people. And as you get into this process, if there are setbacks, how are you going to react to that? These type of things and you really have to think it through. But I think the most important thing in the matching is really just finding common ground amongst people too. And maybe it is belief systems or things like that, but finding that common ground where you can feel comfortable when you meet someone, that's real important. It's definitely conversations to have coming in and they may be hard conversations, things that you didn't really necessarily think about. But that's also nice about working with us is we're going to talk about those things. So that's part of the onboarding process too that we're going to go through.
[00:14:46] Speaker A: What do you think about intended parents in their mindset when they're starting this process?
[00:14:51] Speaker C: I think that some people are really looking into it realistically, but I also think it really depends on why they're coming to surrogacy. I think too, because I know that once again, bringing back to my own personal journey, that there is a lot of emotional sort of trauma that you had gone through to get to that point. Some people come in where they've always known that they would need a surrogate, whether it was a medical issue that they grew up with or things that they've known them. So they're able to sort of digest what that looks like. Certain people, they're still really suffering from a lot of trauma due to the their own infertility journeys. So mindsets can be quite different. Many same sex intended parents, so their mindset might be slightly different, you know, as far as what they're looking for in the relationship and things like that. Everyone is different, everyone's going to come in with their own experience and it's just a matter of us listening to that and how we can help navigate them through the process and journey well.
[00:15:50] Speaker A: And I think too with their mindset during the whole process is also realizing that if you have trauma that you haven't worked through, you need to be careful because what you don't want to do is project that onto the surrogate while she's pregnant with your child, projecting this anxiety or whatever it is onto her because you want her to have the most healthiest pregnancy. You don't want her to be stressed out because you're stressed out and now you're projecting all of it onto her. On top of her also having her own life and her own family and children and work and everything else that goes along with it.
[00:16:31] Speaker C: For sure. It's a process for people to go through and I definitely encourage people coming into this get support, get support from people that are going to be able to help you go through this, whether you have a partner or husband or not. Reach out for support too, because it's crucial, especially if you've been suffering some, you have any PTSD from experiences or trauma, you definitely want to get that support before coming in.
[00:16:53] Speaker A: 100%. One of the things that obviously we do that maybe other agencies don't, we do vet our intended parents and do background checks on our intended parents. Can you talk a little bit about that?
[00:17:08] Speaker C: I mean, background checks are definitely done on intended parents. Surrogates, just as you said, they are putting themselves at risk to carrying a pregnancy. They really deserve to know that the family they're caring for is stable.
These things are done so that this baby that they're carrying is going to go home to a safe environment too. So that's really important because the risk involved that they're putting their own lives, that's something important for them to know 100%.
[00:17:32] Speaker A: Let's talk about the financial side of surrogacy because it's probably one of the first thing that's on everybody's mind. What should realistically be budgeting for, like beyond knowing the total number, should people be thinking about because everybody comes in with, oh, it's going to be this. And then to your point, you don't know how this is going to happen and how it's going to turn out and really how long this process is going to take.
[00:18:00] Speaker C: Definitely a six figure sort of investment that you're going to be making into this process. Now. It can range quite a bit depending what point you're coming in. Are you going to still have to create embryos, things like that, because you're going to have outside medical exposure expenses from just what agency fees and things look like, cost. When I always say a rough estimate, it can literally be from 140,000 to 200,000 plus. Especially once again, when you consider how you're creating embryos, are you using a donor? And also then when you look at everything else involved, then when you get to agency level, you have agency fees, you have surrogate compensation, legal fees, medical insurance, contingencies that you know that you're maybe not planning for that you're going to have to think about. So there's a lot that goes into that cost. It's always funny when I speak to people because cost is obviously where I get the most questions. Some people will get a pretty good estimate from Google and ChatGPT these days but it may only include a portion of what that is. So just compensation alone, you know for a first time surrogate can be 70,000 plus when it's all said and done. You know, when you come to the end of your journey and some people say well I thought it would only cost 70,000 to 90,000. I said that would just be that, that one component. But you have to factor in everything. So when you start. That's why I always like to talk cost through because it's just there's so many different parts that go into that cost to make up that whole number. So. And that's really what people need to
[00:19:28] Speaker A: understand normally catches somebody off guard, something that they didn't even see coming.
[00:19:33] Speaker C: Some people don't realize that compensation for a surrogate sort of happens in real time as she goes through certain milestones or you know, the pregnancy itself. Even her base compensation that's paid out in monthly installments when she's actually pregnant. They don't realize all the cost factors that go into that. And of course then if you add on, well maybe she had more bed rest than expected or you know, all these things, it gets very confusing for people. They're like oh wow, I didn't think about all that. I just figured she got a base compensation and that's all said and done. And then that and also insurance. A lot of people don't understand the insurance side of things. Even if she has insurance, you know how it works, you know how all that happens. And a lot of people do assume they can use their own personal insurance to cover the surrogate pregnancy. I get a lot of, a lot of people thinking that's how that works. But we really have to look at these surrogates insurance because that's going to be the determining factor of what that's going to look like financially. Either she has insurance or she doesn't. We're going to have to look at that to see, okay, is it surrogate friendly at that point everyone have their own personal insurance as whether or not we can use it for a surrogate pregnancy at that point.
[00:20:40] Speaker A: I mean I've been doing this now 18 years and in 18 years I've only had one set of intended parents whose insurance policy covered the surrogate's medical care during the pregnancy. And that was one in 18 years. And they had a very unique medical situation. They had a very unique insurance policy. It is not common whatsoever for somebody's insurance to cover the surrogate's pregnancy. Now, there are fertility benefit programs that will help cover cost for surrogacy, but that cost might be they're going to cover some of the agency fees or they'll cover some of the professional fees, or, you know, they might cover something at the fertility clinic. But it is very, very rare that they're going to cover anything as far as the surrogate's compensation. And it's just as rare is that they're going to cover the surrogate's actual pregnancy for the entire pregnancy. It just, it's like an anomaly.
[00:21:39] Speaker C: And I mean, when you think about it, it does make sort of sense to people like, well, this person's carrying my child and my child would be going on to my insurance. And they assume that, I think is the biggest thing where they're like, oh, okay, wow. I didn't even think about it because they, A lot of people do assume that they could put their surrogate onto their own personal insurance during the actual pregnancy itself.
So that's a big misconception for sure. And that's. I get a lot of questions regarding that insurance and then also how the compensation works and if things are to happen, what that looks like, just really going through those things and also how we're paying this out and how do I start to financially plan this out too? Because not only does surrogacy take patience, but it does take almost a financial planning aspect for sure, for sure to get through this.
[00:22:24] Speaker A: Well, I think that's probably one of the biggest things is people call around to find out the process and all of that. But one of the biggest pieces is getting with financial planner to kind of plan through what that cost is going to be and have the contingencies also in place because you just never know, be able to then also be prepared emotionally for all of the things that could happen. And you know, luckily there's thousands of journeys that happen throughout the year and the majority of them are good, but there are some that it doesn't work out. It just, you know, you, you've gone through it, you've, you've used all the embryos that you have. You don't have any more embryos. You're running out of money and like, what are your options? And now you're stuck.
[00:23:17] Speaker C: That's the thing that I don't like too About a lot of this gimmicky sort of marketing out there where they say you're guaranteed to bring a baby home and things like that. There's no guarantees in this. You know, you can definitely have hope. You come in, you know, having patience about the process, but at the same time, there's no guarantee of anything. That's the unfortunate side of things. So all you can do is sort of just overestimate, over plan it. And also, I always going into my own infertility journey, where's our end here? Where's the true end to this? Because it's such an emotional process, you can start losing yourself in this process too. And if you do have a husband or a partner to lean upon to go through this with, have that hard conversation, okay, where does this actually end for us? How many assets can you start having to sell before you then want to keep moving forward? You're like, where's the end result going to be here? Where are we going to stop? Especially when you run out of the funds and embryos and you have to make hard decisions at that point, but you have to come into it knowing there are a lot of options out there. But where would we stop? Would we ever consider certain things? Would we consider donor? Would we consider, you know, all these things to be able to move forward? It's great having that conversation beforehand before you get too deep into it. And the emotions are so high too, especially when you're going through failed transfers and then no embryos left. Have these conversations before so that you both are on the same page. And when you get to that point now, hey, we know this was where we were stopping at that point.
[00:24:42] Speaker A: What if it's a single individual?
[00:24:44] Speaker C: Same idea. I would definitely, anybody single, I definitely would say, you, you need to find support coming into this. You need someone to speak to. I know that we are so great with single intended parents because we offer so much management of the process and our journey managers. I mean, we're a great, great fit for single intended parents because we are going to be able to there to support them if they didn't have a partner to go through the process with. It's hard to go through the process just in general, but I can't imagine doing it being a single intended parent. There are definitely strong group of individuals I've met to come through that have done single intended parent journeys. It's amazing to see, you know, them go through the process. But I think they do have to really be particular about the agency that they're going to Work with and make sure that they're getting support and management through the process if they don't have someone to turn to.
[00:25:34] Speaker A: What about for people who come in and say, I want a two for one, I want to come in, I want to have twins, I just want to knock it out and you know, and just, just get it done and over with.
[00:25:45] Speaker C: Well, number one, the issue is clinics. Clinics are not going to do a double embryo transfer. So you're going to run into a roadblock right away with that. Some people come in, are pretty persistent if that is what you're looking to do. I would say before you even dive into clinics and things like that, you want to probably speak to an agency and understand what that involves. Because it's also very difficult to find a surrogate that going to knowingly walk in and carry twins. Because with a surrogate, if you're transferring two high grade embryos, most likely she will be carrying twins. And there's a lot of risk. A lot of these women have young children at home. It's not an easy pregnancy to go through.
So you know, it's just understanding the factors. It seems cute and all, it seems great. Also I know, me personally when I was faced with this and I know years ago it was very normal to do a double embryo or triple. I mean that's why you see so many twins these days. You know, like later when I, my kids are in school, you see twin, a lot of twins, things like that because it was very normal. The testing wasn't as good. They didn't do, you know, the things they do now. And I will tell you, the risk just outweighs all the issues. And when you have to also think about the future health of these children too. Seems cute in the beginning and seems like, oh, two for one. But also not only think about the surrogate and her pregnancy and the risks involved for her, but then your future child, the issues that they may have, these children, you know, health risks, all those things that you're doing to them. That is really, people have to take a deep look at that. And I think that's why clinics just won't do it. I mean, because they're doctors. I know a lot of people that have come to me and said, oh, we're doing double embryo. And then they've even talked to clinics, well, they'll do it. But then when they talk to the doctor, they say no, actually we're going to take a step back, we're just going to do single, you know, because when they get a doctor's perspective too. They're like, wow, okay. Yeah.
[00:27:35] Speaker A: Because I don't think that people really realize how taxing pregnancy period is on a body. And then when you factor in twins, again, like you said, all of the risks that comes with it and why so many fertility clinics now? I mean, unless you have really low grade embryos and they're, they're probably not going to take it all. They may not even consider you even, that's not even an option to be able to do a double embryo transfer anymore. And again, to your point, you know, a lot of surrogates don't want to take on that risk. That is definitely going to affect her livelihood for sure.
[00:28:16] Speaker C: I think it's almost taboo at this point to even consider. People come into this because I think because of celebrity and all these things. And yes, years ago you did see that. You did see a lot of people going through IVF where there was twins and things, because they just didn't know, you know, and there was not the type of technology there is today.
And I, I think people, you know, do they have that impression, like, oh, two for one, it's super cute, you know, all these things. But then when they just really do get some information and we talk, just as we're talking now and I talk to them, they say, oh, you know what? I didn't think about that. Yeah, that's not the right way to go about this for sure. The unnecessary risk you're putting on, like I said, surrogate and to the future children is just, it outweighs that. And that's why we do so many sibling journeys too. They're like, we didn't even think about doing that, you know, so that's a big option out there. There's a lot of, lot of people coming back to do sibling journeys, so.
[00:29:06] Speaker A: And the problem too is surrogacy is not for the faint of heart. It, it really is not. It's, it is sometimes it could be a very daunting experience.
It's emotionally draining. It's nerve wracking, especially when you're going through the experience and, you know, more money is going out the door and nothing has happened yet, or you don't have a positive pregnancy result yet, or, you know, and you're not seeing the fruit of your labor. It's just like, why am I doing all of this? But then at the end, you have a surrogate who's finally pregnant and you get that baby at the end. And is it done though? Is everything once that baby comes is all of everything all done and you're free and you know, all of the motions are gone and everything is falls away.
[00:29:54] Speaker C: Never. You have to be resilient, that's for sure. You know, that's going to be being resilient, having flexibility throughout the process because there are going to be setbacks. Does it stop when you bring home baby home? No. You're going to be also raising this child and they're going to, you have to understand their story too and be confident in that story because you want your child to be confident on the way they were brought into this world too. So it's real important to are you going to be transparent with your future children of how they were brought here and things like that and using a surrogate and all these things? It's a lot to think about before going into it. You know, alignment is key with every, you know, with people going through this process and everybody understands what this journey is going to look like. Intended parents, whether you're a single intended parent or as a couple coming in, you have to just sort of reset everything going into this and saying, okay, we're putting our hands into the professionals and we're looking to build our family this way. But you have to be open minded about this process and what that's going to look like. Resetting, you know, timelines and controlling and all these things. You know, there's no guarantees and being patient and all these things. You really have to take a deep look for your at yourself first to make sure this is right for you and you're confident in this decision moving forward because that's going to help afterwards when baby is home, that you are confident of how you brought this child here so that their story is clear to them and that shows that you are always, you know, knowing the way they came here was the way they were supposed to be here.
[00:31:16] Speaker A: One question I forgot about on the financial side that I'm sure people ask is like, well, can I have a payment plan? Can I just, since the surrogate's getting paid on a monthly basis, can I just you know, pay into escrow every single month?
[00:31:30] Speaker C: Yeah, I do get that question sometimes. But when I start to break it down, people understand, hey, to come up, you know, if somebody came up to you today and say hey, I need you to write me a check for $30,000, most people could not do that. So I don't know any person, anyone personally probably who would be comfortable just doing that saying hey, okay. And you know, I have that sitting right here. You know, that money I always explain to people that, you know, you're going into a pregnancy, things are going to be definitely out of your control on a financial level, not only emotional level, but a financial level. You'd rather overestimate and over plan what this looks like. So something for us, we do put some security, a blanket if you will, in that escrow. If things are start to, to happen that are a little bit, you know, out of the ordinary, a little bit more rare so that you're prepared because you don't want to go into this and then all of a sudden be scrambling. You know, six months into a pregnancy, you need more funds, the surrogate has to be compensated, medical insurance, she's got to go to the doctor, all these things. So that's got to happen beforehand before you do anything medically with the surrogate going through transfer and so on. All that has money has to be sitting in that funding for you. The nice thing is though that most journeys go very normal on average and a lot of people have money sitting in that escrow account at the end they bring that home. So it's just having that security sitting there so that you're not scrambling, you know, trying to come up with funds during this process. Because also remember, life does happen during this, jobs change, you know, this is a process. If it's a two year process, think about all the things that happened in the past two years for yourself and then put a surrogacy journey on top of that, you know, so what would that look like for you? It may not be easy. So you, that's why it takes a lot of planning beforehand, especially financially.
[00:33:07] Speaker A: Definitely. And why it's important to have a team behind you that can kind of help navigate through this whole thing. Been there and done that and, and has helped navigate some very difficult situations in the past as well. So, you know, we're definitely not newbies to this process, that's for sure, for sure.
[00:33:28] Speaker C: Just the communication level from the agency, I always point that out to people, is that if you're feeling like the communication's already off from the get go with an agency or you know, the consultation itself, it's not going to get any better at that point, you know, especially when tensions rise or things like that, how is that handled by that agency? What does that look like? Conflict can be just from a simple miscommunication and having the structure that we have, we know how to resolve these type of things. You know, we have a whole team is trained, professional, they know how to resolve those type of things. Address it directly and early. And communication is going to be key to that for sure.
[00:34:03] Speaker A: Based on everything we've talked about today, if someone is listening and they want to know whether they're in a good place to start, what should they be honestly asking themselves?
[00:34:14] Speaker C: Basically, do you have the emotional capacity for uncertainty and are you prepared, obviously financially prepared as well? Where is the alignment with your partner or your husband or a single intended parent? You have that support system and then how the openness to building a relationship with surrogate, what that looks like. You know, there's so many different things to think about before jumping into this, but I would say just having the emotional capacity to come in and say, hey, I'm gonna release sort of control, put my trust in professionals to help us get through this process. Understand that timelines are just estimates. You know, this isn't. There's nothing for sure and there's not always going to be certainty in everything. Know that this can be amazing journey, but you have to be open to it. You have to just be prepared, not only financially, but really very on the emotional level too.
[00:35:06] Speaker A: So what if someone realizes, well, I'm not quite there yet. What would you want them to know?
[00:35:12] Speaker C: Doors are never going to close.
So, you know, when I look at my own personal journey, I definitely needed a break during that process with the help. And I just thank God there's science around these days and things like that to be able to help, you know, people build their families. But at the same time, there's doors are never closed. There's always usually another door to open. Just, you know, the preparation is going to be so important. Just taking the time. I'm feeling like I need a little bit more time, you know, before I make this next step and process each step. Because a lot of people, I don't think they're processing what it is. They're talk to many people where they're still in this sort of dark place of infertility and realize now they can't carry and you know, this is just fresh news to them. They haven't even had a chance to process what that is before then you're going to start looking into surrogacy, treat yourself, you know, in aspects of saying, hey, I need to look at myself and look a little inward. You have time to always move to the next step. The better part of it is processing it before you even get go to it.
[00:36:09] Speaker A: Yeah. And I think what people don't necessarily always realize, especially if you've had a loss or if you've dealt with infertility or if you've dealt with some trauma behind the whole thing, you have to mourn sometimes that process before you can actually move on and let go. To be able to move on, taking
[00:36:26] Speaker C: the time, it just only helps lead to a stronger experience.
Going through that surrogacy journey to wish people would prepare more on an emotional level. A lot of people, especially with infertility, I think they suffer in silence, a lot of people. And I wish that, I wish that just, you know, there was a bigger community out there that people. And there is. I start to see that now because, I mean, my journey was so long ago now that I start to see a stronger sense of that. But I don't see it still there. You know, when I was going through my journey, there was not people that would talk about it. People wouldn't even talk about using ivf. And I think slowly we're getting to a place where there's communities and, you know, things out there and people can talk about this. But it also is sort of frowned upon too. At the same time, it's unfortunate that we can't get to a place where, you know, people, where there's a love there and say, hey, these people are just trying to build their family, you know, the support and love that they need too, definitely.
[00:37:18] Speaker A: So where can people reach you if they're ready to have that first conversation?
[00:37:22] Speaker C: Through our website. You can always reach out through us. Me personally, if you go to our website, there's great information just to start off the process. You can get a general idea of what this even looks like, cost wise, things like that, you know, our different programs we offer and things like that. But we have a one hour consultation, complimentary that we can go through where you're at, you know, help you move forward, whether you're at the very early stages or been through going through this process. Maybe you've already even worked with a surrogate before, you know, things like that. So we, any stage that you're at, you can come and speak to me because you know, I will help give you direction for, you know, those first initial steps, things that can happen, you know, if you're deeper into the process.
[00:38:01] Speaker A: And I also want to point out to us, having a first consultation is giving direction. And maybe the direction is we're just not a good fit for you as an agency. And maybe, you know, you're better off doing, going somewhere else, doing, trying something else or whatever. It doesn't mean that it's the first conversation because it's going to be a sales pitch to work with us.
[00:38:22] Speaker C: Yeah, for sure. You know, and that's another thing I definitely hear from a lot of intended parents. They end up getting to me and they're like, some places wouldn't even talk to us because we don't have embryos yet. Or some places wouldn't talk to us because we don't have a clinic yet. I always say, use me as a resource. You know, even if we just meet and it's 10 minutes in that consultation, use me as a resource. I'm always here to answer questions. And definitely people who have gone through their own journeys, we are never going to steer you. We're very transparent. So that's what people do appreciate is the transparency and saying, hey, you're jumping into surrogacy, but maybe you don't need surrogacy actually, you know, and you just, you know, maybe you need a clinic, you know, so reach out no matter where you're at in the process and even if you just have questions regarding your own journey, infertility or things like that, because we're here to help for sure.
[00:39:06] Speaker A: Well, thanks, Jen, for joining me. I appreciate it.
[00:39:09] Speaker C: Thank you for having me.
[00:39:11] Speaker B: Thanks so much for listening to Fertility Cafe. If you've enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe so you never miss an interview. Leave us a review and connect with us on socials. We're fertilitycafe. You can also watch the full video version of today's conversation over on our YouTube channel. Until next time, remember, love has no limits. Neither should parenthood.
