Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Surrogacy is a powerful act of compassion, one that allows hopeful parents to build a family they've dreamed of. It's often portrayed as a smooth, joyful process. Match, transfer, pregnancy, delivery.
But the truth is surrogacy is still pregnancy. And like any pregnancy, it comes with risks. Some expected, others completely unexpected. Too often, people enter the process focused on the outcome and underestimate the the physical and emotional toll that can unfold along the way. Medical complications, unexpected diagnosis, prolonged hospital stays. These are rarely the stories we hear. Yet they're very real possibilities.
It's easy to focus on the miracle, but we also need space to talk about the reality. The sacrifices, the fear, the strength it takes to keep going when things don't go according to plan.
Welcome to the Fertility Cafe, where we explore the beautiful complexity of modern family building. I'm your host, Eloise Drain, and this is a space for honest conversations about surrogacy, egg donation and the journey to parenthood. With expert insights and real stories, we're here to guide you through the medical, legal and emotional aspects of third party family building.
We believe that love has no limits and neither should parenthood.
Welcome back to Fertility Cafe. I'm your host, Eloise Dr.
When people think about surrogacy, they often imagine a pretty straightforward path. Match with the family, go through the pregnancy, deliver a healthy baby, and everyone celebrates. And sometimes that's exactly how it goes.
But the truth is, pregnancy is unpredictable. Even when everything starts out perfectly, things can shift in ways you never saw coming. Pamela Marshall knows that reality well. She's a licensed social worker and a mom of three boys. She's also a journey manager at Family Inceptions.
When she signed up to be a surrogate, it came from a genuine desire to help someone else become a parent. And in the beginning, everything looked great. The match felt right. The first transfer took and early pregnancy was smooth.
But partway through, a routine scan brought unexpected news. And what followed was weeks of hospitalization, a high risk delivery, and a whole lot of emotional and physical challenges she never anticipated.
Pam's here to share what that was like and why it's so important to talk about all sides of surrogacy, not just the easy ones. Pam, thanks for being on the show with me. I appreciate it.
[00:02:40] Speaker B: Thank you for having me.
[00:02:43] Speaker C: So first, can you introduce yourself and tell us a bit about your life before starting your surrogacy journey?
[00:02:51] Speaker B: Sure. So I live in Pennsylvania. I have a husband and three boys. And, and they're very active. They're into multiple sports and activities. So we are always on the go. But I like it. I love being busy, so it's good.
[00:03:06] Speaker C: You know, obviously, with a handful of boys, having three boys myself and knowing fully well what that looks like.
[00:03:16] Speaker A: What drew you to surrogacy in the first place?
[00:03:19] Speaker B: So my friend was a surrogate, my friend who lived down the road, and I really. I never even thought about it before she was a surrogate. And I was just really interested in the whole process. Like, she told me all about it from the very beginning, from matching to getting pregnant, the whole process. And every time I saw her, I'd be like, so tell me, what are you doing this week? What's going on with your ip? So I was just very interested and I never at the time thought, like, oh, maybe I should do this. It just never really hurts me. But I was just very interested in it. So she had the baby and I was like, tell me all about it. And, you know, she told me about how after she gave birth and she gave the baby to the parents, and she's like, that moment is something you'll never forget. It was so amazing. I felt so fulfilled. And I was like a light bulb went off. I was like, I think I want to do this, like, after this whole time. And, you know, I went to my husband then and I was. I told him about it and he's like, I'm surprised you didn't say something sooner. He's like, I thought you wanted to do it before that, like, after. Because you would always tell me about, like, your friend and everything that was going. So he wasn't surprised. He was like, okay, sure.
[00:04:30] Speaker C: When you were first starting out, what were you hoping the journey would look like? Because obviously, based off of your friend, you know, it seemed like it was just like a perfect experience.
[00:04:46] Speaker B: Yes, exactly. So I wanted a close relationship with IPs. I wanted something that, you know, someone that had similar thoughts and beliefs as me. And of course, like, I wanted a smooth journey, smooth pregnancy, and a happy, healthy baby. Those are pretty much all I wanted.
[00:05:06] Speaker C: Yeah. Was the match process, like, was it difficult for you or. I mean, like, how did you feel once things, like, officially started?
[00:05:17] Speaker B: It was great.
The agency I worked with did a really good job of choosing IPs that would. That are what I wanted. So when I saw their profile, I read it and I started crying and I was like, these are the people. Yes, this is who I want to carry for. It was perfect, really. They were everything I wanted.
[00:05:38] Speaker C: How did you go about choosing your agency? Was it the same One your friend went with?
[00:05:43] Speaker B: It wasn't. No, she actually told me she wouldn't recommend who she went with. So she's like, do your research. So I was like, okay, you know, I'm gonna do that. And I did. I just, I did a bunch of research and I wanted to. I felt like the matching process and matching with good intended parents was really important to me. So I found an agency that I felt was known for matching. And it worked out good because, yeah, like I said, our. My match was perfect. I couldn't ask for better intended parents. They were great.
[00:06:18] Speaker C: Well, what qualities were you looking for in an agency? Because I think, I mean, there's so many now. And it's like, how do you even begin to figure out which agency is going to be right for you? And then you hear horror stories about, you know, certain agencies and what people, what's happened and, you know, and all of the things, and it's just like, how do you even go about doing that right?
[00:06:43] Speaker B: It is hard. And you really do need to do research and make sure you, you know, are looking into an agency that is respectable.
And for me, I really wanted someone that had good communication.
I felt like I could call whenever I needed to. I wanted someone that I felt supported in the process.
So that's kind of how I came about.
[00:07:07] Speaker C: Chose yours.
So let's fast forward to. You're now matched. Obviously you have to go through the medical screening process and all of that happens and you get to your embryo transfer and what was that like? And you know, how did you feel when you like, oh my God, this actually worked?
[00:07:32] Speaker B: Yes, I was very happy because, you know that that 10 day wait from the transfer until the first beta is like very agonizing. Yeah, it's very. I took multiple pregnancy tests and I was like looking at the lines and I'm like, are they getting darker? Are they not? You know, but it did, it worked. The first embryo transfer worked and I was very excited, but I was also nervous.
My intended parents, I was actually the second surrogate that they had.
Their first surrogate had a miscarriage at nine weeks after having great betas, after having a great first ultrasound.
So of course I was really on edge until at least that nine week mark because of, you know, what they've gone through before. So. But it was, I mean, I was happy, but yeah, definitely cautiously optimistic at that point.
[00:08:28] Speaker C: So in the early stages of everything, obviously everything was going smoothly emotionally, mentally. Did it like align with what you were expecting?
[00:08:40] Speaker B: Yeah, I think it did.
I was very thankful to not have any morning sickness. Like, I was maybe a little tired, but I'm like, you know what? I'm also older and I have three kids to run around. So, like. But it wasn't too bad, you know? Like, I think it was pretty normal for a pregnancy. And it.
Everything was like smooth sailing in the beginning, really.
[00:09:02] Speaker C: So, yeah. So that. At what point then in the pregnancy did something first come up that made you pause or feel like something might be off?
[00:09:14] Speaker B: So we had the anatomy scan and everything seemed to go well.
[00:09:22] Speaker C: What week were you at at that point?
[00:09:25] Speaker B: 20. I'm pretty sure it was 20. It was actually the. The anatomy ultrasound was the day after the fourth of July. And I remember we went to fireworks on the fourth of July and we were out like super late, and I was like, oh, my gosh, why did I make an appointment for 7am the next day for this anatomy scan? Right. He was like this. Thinking about it. This probably wasn't a good idea, but. So I'm like, I was tired going into the anatomy scan. I'm like, after I was up late with the kids and the dogs, with the fireworks and all that, we get there and everything is good.
My IP is. They weren't able to be there, but I was able to FaceTime. So that was really nice. They saw everything. And the doctor, she said, everything looks great. The baby's growing great. The baby's a little small. She's like, but it's probably not too concerning.
She said, I did see something that looked a little off with the cord, but it may just be a shadow. It's kind of a little early. So just come back in three weeks and we'll recheck it. So I was like, okay.
She didn't seem like. I said she very nonchalant, seemed fine. So I was like, all right, everything's good. Cool.
[00:10:39] Speaker A: So in this.
[00:10:40] Speaker C: So obviously at this point, you're what, 18, 20 weeks and between that time, so no indication of any issues?
[00:10:49] Speaker A: You haven't had any problems, Obviously you've had other ultrasounds?
[00:10:53] Speaker B: Yes. Yeah.
[00:10:54] Speaker C: So there was nothing, no concern, no one seeing saying that they saw anything or there was anything? No.
[00:11:01] Speaker B: Nope. Everything looked good up until then. So.
[00:11:04] Speaker C: So then after that visit, you took a look at the paperwork or the.
[00:11:11] Speaker A: Notes that they gave you?
[00:11:13] Speaker B: Yes. So, you know, they hand you the after visit summary and she's like, make an appointment for three weeks to follow up. So I did that. And then I get in my car and I'm looking at it and it says, possible visa previa And I was like, okay. I guess that's what she was talking about, about the cord and the shadow thing. But she didn't seem concerned. So.
[00:11:37] Speaker C: Were you concerned?
[00:11:40] Speaker B: I mean, at first I was. I don't know what that means. So, you know, I go on Google because what is Dr. Google?
[00:11:47] Speaker A: Of course, yes.
[00:11:49] Speaker B: And, like, what I see on Google, I was like, this says, it's a serious pregnancy complication.
It is very high risk. It has serious effects for the baby, and you have to be hospitalized. And I was like, this doesn't sound like what she was talking about.
So I go home and I tell my husband, and he's like, calm down. She. It says possible. She's probably just, like, crossing her T's and dotting the I's. Like, she didn't seem concerned, right? So I was like, yeah, I guess. Like, I guess I'll just wait and see in three weeks, like, what happens.
[00:12:28] Speaker C: And you hadn't told the intended parents what did the paper, the paperwork said? At this point?
[00:12:33] Speaker B: I sent them, like, a picture of the paperwork because I always wanted, after every appointment, I'd, like, send them my notes just so they knew what was going on.
I mean, so they read it. I don't know at the time if they Googled it like I did.
I didn't tell them, like, what I saw on Google because I didn't want to freak them out. Like, I was hoping maybe I'm just. Maybe it's not that. Hopefully it's nothing. So I didn't really look too much into it.
[00:13:01] Speaker C: So you didn't say anything to them, and then you went back to your appointment three weeks later? And then what happened during that appointment?
[00:13:09] Speaker B: So the ultrasound tech came in, and she was doing.
Doing the measurements and everything.
And my IPs couldn't be there on FaceTime for that appointment. They just said, call us, you know, afterwards.
So the ultrasound tech is, you know, doing everything, looking around, and then she's like, let me get the doctor. So the doctor comes in, and they're both looking at the. The screen and looking and, like, spending a long time. And I'm like, okay, this is interesting.
The doctor said, can you call your IPs? I have something I need to talk with both of you about.
So I was like, okay.
So we call and, you know, my IM answers, and she didn't seem like she was.
She was at her daughter's dance competition or something. And the doctor's like, can you go outside? I have to. I have to talk to you both about something.
So that's when I was like, okay, like, this doesn't seem like it's going to be a good conversation. So I was a little nervous about how that happens. Yeah.
[00:14:11] Speaker C: So what did she share?
[00:14:14] Speaker B: So she said, you have something going on with this pregnancy. It's very rare. It's not a common complication, but it is a very serious complication. She said, the baby's totally fine, but this has moved this pregnancy into. From being high risk. I was called high risk because I was older, you know, geriatric, because I was 38. I'm going from high risk to seriously high risk now.
[00:14:42] Speaker C: So what was her recommendation? What does she say? Like, what has to happen or what you need to do? Or like, obviously you just gave these people this news, like, now what?
[00:14:57] Speaker B: Right. So she said, you have. You're diagnosed with vasa previa, with velamentimus cord insertion, which means the vessels that should be growing inside of the umbilical cord are growing on the outside.
For whatever reason. It's just a random, weird complication that sometimes happens. The vessels should be protected inside the umbilical cord because the umbilical cord has the jelly around it. And I forget exactly what it's called, but it makes it so it's safe. So the vessels are safe in there because the vessels are growing on the outside and they are laying right on top of my cervix.
And the vessels are all of the baby's blood. So it directly connects from the baby to the placenta.
None of it was my blood in the vessels. It was all the baby's blood, which means if the vessels were to burst, it would be all of the baby's blood. And because the baby's so small, there isn't very much blood. So they would only have five minutes to get the baby out before the baby died because the baby would bleed.
[00:16:10] Speaker C: So that's what they told you?
[00:16:12] Speaker B: Yeah. So they said, you know, the intended.
[00:16:16] Speaker C: Mother is at a dance class.
[00:16:18] Speaker B: Yes.
Yep. All over the phone.
They said the baby's growing properly right now. You know, she's developing great. Everything looks good. But she is small. And because of the way that the vessels are inserting in the. To the placenta and the re. And because they're on the outside of the umbilical cord and not inside, that the baby may not be getting as much nutrients as she should be, which is why she. She was, I think, in the 13th percentage then.
But the doctors were worried that she may even get lower percentage as time went on.
[00:16:57] Speaker A: So what were you told?
[00:16:58] Speaker C: You would need to happen moving forward.
[00:17:02] Speaker B: So they said that there would be a. The general treatment plan for this. There's not treatment per se, but it's more of just monitoring. They need to do a lot of monitoring. So from that time on, at this point, I think I was about 23 weeks.
So from 23 weeks to 20.
No, to 20. From 23 weeks to 32 weeks, I had. I went to the OB weekly, I had weekly ultrasound, and then I had twice a week non stress tests.
So they wanted to make sure that the baby wasn't stressed, that the baby was getting enough nutrients, and that there was no contractions. They said even Braxton hick contractions couldn't, which aren't even real contractions. They're just really like practice contractions. But even something similar like that or some very minor contraction could make the vessels burst.
[00:17:59] Speaker C: Oh, my God.
[00:17:59] Speaker B: So because of that, at 32 weeks, they recommended that I be inpatient in the hospital and pretty much monitored around the clock, because once you get closer to full term is when contractions could start. And they said it would. Contractions that I wouldn't even feel, they're just, you know, very minor, like getting you ready for labor, which is why they want you in the hospital at 32 weeks. Because I would never even know I was having maybe contractions because they're like very little ones or Braxton Hicks, but that could cause the vessel to burst, and then you'd have five minutes to get the baby out. So obviously, if I was at home, even if the hospital was across the street, it would be too late.
[00:18:47] Speaker C: So how in the world did you and the parents react to the news? Like, how do you guys even like.
[00:18:52] Speaker B: How we both cried?
I did find out then later that my intended parents did look it up. They googled it just like I did. So they, they, you know, they had an idea that this was a possibility, but they just like me. They were like, we didn't want to talk about it with you because we were really just hoping that it would be nothing, you know, because they're like, how rare it is.
You know, it would. Hopefully we aren't the ones to get it. You know, hopefully the tech the first time was just being extra cautious and.
But yeah, we both were really upset. We cried.
The doctor was like, you guys could stay in here as long as you want. Like me on FaceTime with her standing outside of her daughter's dance competition and we're both crying. And. Yeah.
Yeah, that's kind of how that went.
Finding out. Yeah.
[00:19:49] Speaker C: And now you have found out that you're gonna be hospitalized from 32 weeks on.
You have three boys at home, a husband at home. Were you working at the time?
[00:20:01] Speaker B: I was not. Thankfully. Thankfully, I was not working. And thankfully, timing worked out that my kids would be going back to school, like, right around the time that I was being 32 weeks.
I mean, if it would have been a couple of weeks earlier and they were all still on summer break, it would have been even a lot worse. But thankfully, they were all in school. My youngest went to kindergarten full time, so that's one good thing.
[00:20:27] Speaker C: Yeah.
So.
But, I mean, how did you even. Because you have to think about it. You literally now have to leave your children. I mean, granted, obviously, you have a spouse and, you know, clearly there, and he's there to help, but you're now.
[00:20:47] Speaker A: Leaving your children for weeks be for.
[00:20:50] Speaker C: The benefit of somebody else's child that you, you know, are protecting. Like, how do you manage that mentally, emotionally, like this, let alone physically in the hospital for weeks on end? I mean, I'm in the hospital for.
[00:21:07] Speaker A: A day, and I'm going crazy.
[00:21:09] Speaker B: Yeah, it was definitely tough. It was.
At first, I really was like, this is, like going to jail. Like, this is like, that's what in my head, like, thought. I was like, because I'm so active, we are constantly are doing stuff. Always, like, being stuck in one room to me was like, this is horrible. Like, that was probably the worst thing I feel like that could have happened.
[00:21:33] Speaker C: And then how did your family manage? Like, how did your husband manage with the kids?
Because how.
[00:21:39] Speaker A: How long. How many weeks were you in the hospital? And four in total, Almost six.
[00:21:43] Speaker B: It was just about six weeks.
So my husband, he was like a superhero. He really. He did not complain once. He was great. He. At the time, he was coaching two soccer teams. My oldest was also on a swim team. They all played soccer.
And it was back to school. So there was a ton of, like, you know, back to school things, plus all the activities.
And so, yeah, my husband definitely was a rock star because he took over everything. Cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, taking the kids everywhere. And he did it without complaining.
We had a lot of help. We had a lot of neighbors and friends that were around to help, but, yeah, he did a lot of it himself, so. Yeah.
[00:22:30] Speaker C: Wow.
Yeah. You know, sometimes I really, like. I always want to, like, stop and just give the kudos and the praises and just the gratefulness to the partners and the support that help with surrogacy, because I. I don't think that people really realize that this is not just a one person show.
[00:22:55] Speaker B: Definitely.
[00:22:56] Speaker C: Like, you have to have support, you know?
[00:22:59] Speaker B: Oh, yeah.
[00:22:59] Speaker C: Who would have ever thought that, you know, this perfect, healthy pregnancy that's going on and you're 20 weeks in and all of a sudden it just literally rocks everybody's world upside down.
[00:23:12] Speaker B: Yeah, definitely. I mean, I couldn't imagine what if we didn't have support, like, what would have happened?
[00:23:18] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:23:20] Speaker A: So how did you keep yourself from.
[00:23:23] Speaker C: Not going insane while you were sitting in the hospital for six weeks?
[00:23:27] Speaker B: Yeah. So at first it was hard. I mean, the first day was really the worst. I remember, like going in there, I had like three suitcases. I brought like a comforter, my pillow, because I'm like, I'm gonna try to make it a little homey, you know?
[00:23:42] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:23:42] Speaker B: And the receptionist was like, you're only coming here to have a baby. You'll be home in a few days. You don't need all this stuff. And I started crying and I was like, actually, I'm gonna be here for maybe like six to eight weeks.
And then she felt bad and she's like, I am so sorry.
And that was like, you know, my introduction to the hospital. So I was like, oh, great, this is gonna go well.
No, the first two days were really, really hard. And I just kept thinking about, like, missing everything at home. Missing, like my youngest first two days of school and all their first games and school swim meets, and it was my favorite time of the year, like Halloween. I was going to miss Halloween and all the fall fun activities. And I just kept thinking about how much I was going to miss. And that really was hard.
And then I talked to my one friend, I called her and she's like, you know what? This is like a vacation. You don't have to cook, you don't have to clean.
You could watch whatever you want on tv.
She's like, you have to think of it like that. And I was like, hmm, you know what? That is true. Like, I could either be miserable for however many weeks I'm going to be here and be dwelling on the things I'm missing, or I could just change my mindset and think of it like a vacation.
And that really turned things around for me, I feel like. And she's like, you know what? Buy yourself some books and crafts and things you would never do at home and think of it like you're taking a little, little vacation from everything.
And I did. I started to think of it like that. It also really helped the nurses. I got to Be friendly with the nurses that came in every day, and they were like, you know what? Make a schedule for yourself. Like, get up in the morning, take a shower, do your hair.
You're going to feel better if you're wearing your own clothes. Like, thankfully, they let me wear my own clothes and get, like, into a little routine.
So that's what I did. I got. I learned how to crochet.
I learned how to do needlepoint, things that I would have never in my life.
[00:26:01] Speaker A: Right?
[00:26:01] Speaker B: No.
I watched a lot of tv. I don't at home. I, like, never watch tv. And when I do, it's, like, stuff that the kids want to watch or, like, movies that we watch as a family.
So it was nice.
It wasn't nice, but I made the best of it.
And I think that mindset really helped because every time I would start to get upset about something, I'd be like, nope, I cannot.
I thought of it like a job. I was like, this is my job to protect this baby, grow this baby, and keep myself positive. Because I knew it wouldn't be good for anyone if I was just upset and miserable.
So I just did. I made myself think that it was a vacation. And it was not that bad at the end. It was sometimes. And sometimes even now, my kids are yelling and screaming. I'm like, you know what? It would be nice to be back in the hospital.
[00:27:05] Speaker C: I mean, how were the kids through all of it, though?
[00:27:08] Speaker B: It was tough, especially for my youngest.
He would come. He was five at the time, so I think he definitely had it the hardest.
Yeah, they would come and visit, like, a couple times a week. The hospital was about a half hour away, so it wasn't that close. And between everything, school and all their activities, they didn't get to visit as much as they wanted to, but they'd come and visit. We'd watch movies together, and my husband would bring me food.
And then we FaceTimed every day. Like, we got into a routine of every morning before school, when they were eating breakfast, they'd FaceTime me, and then after school, they'd FaceTime me, AND I'd help them with their homework over FaceTime.
And then they'd call me before bed. So it was like, I'd speak to. I'd see them on FaceTime at least three times a day.
And so we got into, like, a routine like that.
[00:28:02] Speaker C: So how was it with the intended parents?
[00:28:06] Speaker B: They were awesome. They came. So I got hospitalized at 32 weeks.
They came in at. I think it was close to 35 weeks.
And they were staying at a place right across the street from the hospital.
So they would come visit me every day and we play games. We'd go for, like, little walks around the small area that I was allowed to walk around.
They are very supportive. So I couldn't imagine going through this with intended parents that were not supportive.
[00:28:41] Speaker C: So they obviously. They weren't local.
[00:28:43] Speaker B: No, no, they had to come. They come in. They came and just lived in a hotel for a couple weeks.
Mm.
[00:28:51] Speaker C: So, yeah, everybody's life got, like, disrupted. And then they also had a. A daughter too, that was young, so.
[00:28:59] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:29:00] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:29:00] Speaker B: Their daughter stayed home with grandparents, and so they were doing the same thing, FaceTiming their daughter a couple times a day while they were down here waiting for the baby. So.
So.
[00:29:13] Speaker C: So take us to the delivery. I mean, obviously you've been in the hospital now six weeks and like, was it pre scheduled? Was it spontaneous? Like, how and how far were you at that point, you know? And how did everything fare through that six weeks of. Was there any additional complications? What happened?
[00:29:38] Speaker B: So, thankfully, I was. The nurses and doctors always, they were like, you're the easiest patient. Thankfully, everything looked good throughout the time I was there. So when I got in at 32 weeks, they said the goal is 36 to 7. 36 to 37 weeks for the C section, but they were going to monitor me daily and see make sure the baby was still on her growth curve. She did lose a couple percentages by the end. She was like around the 9th or 10th percentage in weight, but she was consistently around that. It's not like she dropped a whole lot, so they felt fine. You know, she was always. They would do the biopsychophysical ultrasounds and make sure she was breathing okay and heartbeat and everything looked okay. We do that like once a day.
And then they did non stress tests twice a day. So they did a lot of monitoring. And they said throughout, like, everything looks good. Everything looks good. So we were hoping that, you know, she would stay put a little while until she was able to breathe a little better with her lungs developed and everything.
So, yeah, we made it to 37 weeks and it was scheduled. It was a scheduled C section. But they did say, you know, at any time we may have to do an emergency C section if things started looking bad.
But everything looks good. I had no contractions the entire time, thankfully, because they said if contraction started, then we just need to do an emergency C section.
So the. It was scheduled for 37 weeks.
So we went in.
I was very nervous because I Never had a C section before.
And just the whole thought process of, like, I'm being awake, but they're cutting my stomach open.
That just kept freaking me out. I was very anxious about that.
Very anxious. So they were. The nurses and the doctors in there were great, though. They were like, we'll play your favorite music. What's your favorite music? And I was like, I can't even think about just what. Just get the baby out. Yeah.
So they got the baby out quick. She was great. The intended parents were in a little room right next door that had a window.
They brought the baby there immediately, but then it took forever after they got the baby out until they stitched me up, and I'm like, what's going on?
Then they started to seem a little worried, and they were talking quick, and I was like, oh, gosh, what's going on? I know the baby's safe. The baby's out, but why is this taking so long? And why does everyone seem a little nervous?
And they didn't really tell me anything while it was all happening, but it took, like, an hour after the baby was out to, like, finally get me all back together.
And then I was in the recovery room, and the doctor came by, and she was like, well, you had. You lost a lot of blood.
I don't think you're going to need a transfusion, but you definitely hemorrhaged, and you may need, like, an iron infusion, which I did need later on, but. But they said the vessels that should have been inside the umbilical cord because they were outside, once they got the baby out, the vessels started, like, falling apart.
They were going all around in my stomach, so they had to, like, move everything around to make sure they got everything out, which is why I lost so much blood and why it took so long.
[00:33:15] Speaker C: Oh, wow.
[00:33:16] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:33:18] Speaker C: How was the recovery after that?
[00:33:21] Speaker B: It was tough. I had a ton of bruising because of all the moving everything around.
So I was, like, purple from my belly button into my upper thighs. And the doctors even were like, oh, this is not normal. I'm like, oh, great. Well, what do you mean, this isn't normal?
So that they were like, well, they were like, everything that happens because we needed to move everything around, and you lost a lot of blood. And so they said it would just be a little bit harder of a recovery than a regular C section.
But it wasn't too bad. I mean, I think the worst part was when I went home, mentally, I was feeling great. I was like, all right, I'm ready to go. Clean my house, because I haven't been here in six weeks.
But I couldn't. And that was the worst part, because physically, I could barely walk from the couch to the kitchen. But mentally, I was ready to go. So that was.
[00:34:20] Speaker C: Yeah.
So looking back on the entire experience, how.
How has it shaped your view of surrogacy?
[00:34:33] Speaker B: So surrogacy is not an easy, you know, an easy thing to do. It is a big ask.
And going into it, you never really know, you know, what's going to happen, how your journey is going to go.
There's so many different things. You know, you could either. You could have failed transfers or multiple ones. You could have miscarriages. You could have, like, like me, a crazy, random complication that makes you hospitalized for weeks.
But I don't regret any of it. I loved it. It was an awesome experience.
And even, like, through the hardest parts, I would. I would do it again.
It was amazing. Like, I will never forget being in the recovery room and my intended mother, like, wheeling in the baby, and she, like, picked her up, and I was like, oh, my God, I helped you, like, bring this baby into the world. And, you know, this was the only way that they could have another child. So I was, like, I felt so happy that I was able to do that for them.
Um, and I'll never forget that memory of, like, seeing her holding the baby for the first time. But, yeah, even though, like, how hard it was, I loved it. It was. It was awesome. And it was such a cool experience.
[00:35:51] Speaker C: Would you.
[00:35:52] Speaker A: Would you have done anything differently?
[00:35:55] Speaker B: I don't think so. I.
I mean, done anything differently myself.
No, I mean, I feel like there's nothing I really could have done different.
I mean, yeah, like, of course everyone wants, like, a easy, super easy pregnancy, but, like, you know, going into this, I knew. I knew that there were risks and I knew. I mean, I didn't really know this could happen. I never really heard about this specific complication, but I knew that there are risks, and I was okay with that. I think, like, doing research and understanding what you're getting into is definitely a big thing.
Making sure that your spouse is on board is a huge thing, because I could not imagine, like, my husband not being supportive.
That would definitely be a huge problem. So.
[00:36:49] Speaker C: Yep. Yeah. Yeah. So what do you think is important? I know you just shared some, but do you think there's any additional important things for other potential surrogates to know? You know, especially things like you say you didn't. You never expected, you never would have even thought that this could even have been a possibility.
[00:37:10] Speaker B: Yeah, I think making sure that you have good support for everyone from your spouse, from your support system, but also with, like, the agency that you choose, making sure the agency that you choose has good support and making sure that you have good intent of parents, you know, like a good.
A good match, someone that you feel like really supports you and you support them.
Just someone that you feel connected with.
[00:37:42] Speaker C: Yeah, for sure.
And for intended parents, you know, what would you share to them from, you know, your side of the journey and how this kind of just literally completely changed your entire life upside down?
[00:38:05] Speaker B: Definitely.
You know, surrogacy is a roller coaster. Like, there's so many highs and lows, and it's a long process. Like, you know, they call it a journey for a reason. So it is a long process. But I think, you know, I really would want other intended parents to know that the ladies who sign up to be surrogates are doing this because they really want to help you and they want to help make your dream of having a baby be successful and come true. And, you know, I think the majority of surrogates do that out of, like, the kindness of their heart and they are willing to do whatever it takes.
[00:38:46] Speaker A: Luckily.
[00:38:49] Speaker C: Luckily so, because it really does take a special person to be willing to. To.
To take that responsibility on, because it's. It's huge. It is a huge responsibility. So, Pam, thank you for joining me and sharing your story and all of the things. You know, I think we always hear.
[00:39:09] Speaker A: About all the great and the wonderful.
[00:39:11] Speaker C: Stuff of surrogacy, but, you know, not enough sometimes about the hard part.
And it really needs to be an equal share of both the good and the bad so that people know exactly what they're getting themselves into. Both parents, as well as the surrogates, of course.
[00:39:33] Speaker B: Definitely. Yes.
[00:39:35] Speaker C: So thank you for joining me. I appreciate it.
[00:39:39] Speaker B: Yes, thank you for having me.
[00:39:41] Speaker A: Thank you so much for listening to Fertility Cafe. If you've enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe so you never miss an interview. Leave us a review and connect with us on socials. We're ertilitycafe. You can also watch the full video version of today's conversation over on our YouTube channel.
Until next time, remember, love has no limits. Neither should parenthood.
